Sofia Coppola's "Somewhere"

I just found a link to the trailer below of Sofia Coppola's movie "Somewhere" Filmed in Los Angeles in the legendary Chateau Marmont hotel. Not sure when it's available here.

I wasn't expecting it to be about his relationship with a kid, but I like the trailer. It's got a similar lonely, world-changing, life and love lost feeling that "Lost in Translation" had.

Source: El Beso

Down time

I have existential crises in the car on the way to work in the morning. Do you do that? I think because it's often the only part of my day that's not scheduled, or interacting with someone, so that I have time to think the BIG THOUGHTS alone in my head and freak out about them.

Yesterday morning I was thinking about how desperately sad it makes me that we only get one life and it's really short and shit! have I done all the things I wanted to do? and what about love, and my purpose in life, and career, and what about these people in my life I care about that I don't see, and what about this?...etc.

I've been doing a fantastic job of ignoring important things this last year. It started with being overwhelmed by the legal issues related to my grandmother, then the deaths of my dad and her, the mortgage, the stuff, the life insurance, the debt, the taxes, etc, and has trickled down to me not being able to step up and get my oil changed, write the articles I'm contracted to write, fix my 401K, go to the gym, or call maintenance about that crack in the wall, and even to my relationships. I've been hiding. I've been throwing all my attention in very specific directions, and while that makes me happy in the short term, I'm not sure it's ultimately good. I've been neglecting friends. I've not wanted to put the effort into seeking people out, making plans. And I've been trying to fill the giant hole where my best friend was with other things. It works fine until something triggers it, like "Hey There Deliah" on the radio, or an opportunity for ninja, a glimpse of that UVA shirt, or having to catch myself making a joke no one else will get. And as much as I'm a fixer, I don't know how to fix this. But my heart hurts. It aches so much. Apparently only time is the answer, but that's not a fast enough answer. And since time just takes people and things away from you, that doesn't seem right.

Daily Pep Talk

Daily Pep Talk From A Best Friend knows what I need often when I don't.
She posts little "pick-me-ups" and pep talks, which could sound cheesy, but are really nice. Sometimes you need a positive reminder. I am a cynical optimist, but the emphasis there is optimist. I really am a happy person. I'm trying to give myself time right now to adjust, to be sad, to be cynical, to be anti-social, and I need that time, but I'm trying not to get sucked into the dark place. I want to see the light. I want to be my normal cheerful, enthusiastic self, but it's just hard to do that right now. I don't want to socialize, then feel bad for wasthing perfectly good days doing nothing. I get tired of making all the plans all the time. I don't reach out for help if I need it. I've been taking care of myself for too long. So when I'm left suddenly truly alone, it's hard to figure out where to go.

Here are some of her pep talks below:
Dating is not so bad.
Pep talk: If this one isn't THE one, you'll survive without them. It's daunting to go back to dating but you can handle it. You're foxy as hell and you will not settle.
Today remind yourself: Dating is not so bad.

You can forgive.
Pep talk: Forgiveness frees you from the pain of the past. It allows you to progress and to stop feeling like shit. If you forgive, you don’t necessarily have to forget, but you can at least stop obsessively thinking about who done you wrong. I can’t even wrap my head around how angry and twisted my life would be without forgiveness. Forgiveness is a blessing.
Today remind yourself: I can forgive.

You're boldly going.
Pep talk: If you don't care what a person thinks, don't ask for their opinion. You know you're heading in the right direction and you can be confident without feedback.
Today remind yourself: I'm boldly going.

She's started lately to post videos of things she's edited for Gawker, which I don't care for as much and detract from the message of her blog.

. .

I came home from work today and did nearly exactly what I'd been waiting all day to do-- sat outside and read until the sun went away, and then slept for hours. Now I'm going to bed. I don't think I ate dinner. I've got a permanent crick in my neck, probably from sleeping on my love seat. I'm not feeling myself right now. Nothing is exciting or worth looking forward too. I couldn't even get excited for St. Patrick's day, and you know how I feel about holidays. Everything just seems so boring and hard and strange. Going to go to bed now and hope that things look brighter in the morning. The nice weather we're supposed to get will help.

On Christmas

(Icicles on my fire escape, after the snow last week.)

I've got to say, it hasn't really felt like Christmas this last week. I know I've got good reasons not to be the cheeriest ever this year, but I don't want to get sucked into a funk. I haven't really done much socializing these last few weeks, and as it gets cold and dark more, I tend to stay in and hibernate. I'm sure I get a mild bit of S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) though I don't think that's kicked in yet. I think just all the changes with Christmas this year made it not seem so much like Christmas. I guess that's to be expected when you get older. This was the first Christmas I woke up alone, to no Santa, no stockings, no one but my own lovely tree and unconditionally loving cat. Which is fine. I chose not to go home this year, but it doesn't make it any less lonely.

On Christmas day, I drove up to DC to visit my longest friend and her mom (who's like a mom to me, and even much more lately, as she's been really supportive with the affairs related to my dad and grandma and everything). We went to a really nice Italian place in DuPont, where the service was impeccable and the Italian men were so friendly and my water was refilled as soon as I needed it (a big plus for me!). We had the pre fix menu and shared 2 bottles of wine. The waiter brought us a complimentary digestif of amaretto in little wine/shot glasses. Lovely. We then went to see It's Complicated, due to my friend's mom being divorced and well, there aren't that many movies for that demographic. It was better than I thought, but still a little sad, though it gave me a glimpse of what it's like to have an adult relationship with your mother. I was jealous of the dynamic the family had in the film. I have other-people family envy a lot. It made me hopeful though that my friend's mom and I could continue to bond, and have that kind of adult mom/friendship.

(from Nectar & Light)

I was grateful to spend the day with them, and be spoiled with dinner, wine, and a movie. I brought them some of my grandma's jewelry for them to choose what they wanted. My grandma had so much jewelry, and this was just a small portion of it. I was so so pleased that they liked so many pieces. My friend's mom adored a cameo ring, and my friend looked good in all the big, chunky necklaces that I could never pull off. It meant a lot to me that someone else could enjoy my grandma's jewelry, and it was like they had a piece of her now, so her memory lives on, not just with me.


(Gingerbread men at a local coffee shop)

After mailing them cards about my Grandma, I had my grandma's old friend and my other great aunt who I haven't seen or spoken to in years call me on Christmas, but I just haven't felt up to calling them back, which I feel terrible about. I do want to hang on to the little family I have left, but I don't feel like I have the energy for much right now. My cousins who came to the funeral are the closest, in MD, and I hope we'll all be a little better at keeping in touch. I grew up with them, and have fond memories of Thanksgivings and Christmases back then.

Anyway, I'm going to not let myself get sucked into holiday-melancholy, because I always hate when people hate Christmas because they had bad things happen to them on it. It's not Christmas's fault.

Beach and Bikes and Bummed

Back home from the beach. It was cloudy and/or rained for pretty much the entire trip. Sigh. I have bad luck with vacations and weather. We rented bikes, and I biked 17 miles, which was amazing because it felt like nothing. I brought back my dad's bike, which I misremembered as being a standard mountain bike. It's not. It's a cruiser. With pedal brakes. It's fairly large and a bit unwieldy. I rode it to an event that my friend Kevin, the creator of Gay RVA, was having a few blocks away. I wonder if I can sell it and buy a decent used bike? My dad had bought it new, just a few months ago, but it already has some wear and tear on it and I doubt I can get near the cost of what it was.

In other news, nursing homes are just sad, sad places. No one should live like that. I've never been one to exclaim that if I ever get sick, I just want people to pull the plug, am not in general a fan of Do Not Resuscitate orders, and think one should try all possible to maintain life (after all, we only get one), but I don't want to live like that when I get old. It's not a life. My grandmother has Alzheimer's and it's a terrible, terrible existence. What are we doing to our fellow citizens when we just make them hold on to life when life is no good any longer? I will try not to launch into a Euthanasia speech, because people are afraid of that word (see also: abortion, socialism, condoms, feminism, queer), but there's gotta be a choice here. My grandmother fell in the bathroom for the SECOND TIME (Nursing home, get your act together), and now she's in the hospital because she has gotten sick and has another infection and isn't eating or drinking. I find this out as soon as I arrive home, 4 hours away from having seen her for 2 days.

It's good to be home though. I'm having some leftover wine and eating some dinner and going to meet some of the OMGWTFRVA crew out for Karaoke tonight. I don't have to work tomorrow, yay!

Attachment

"Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself… know what you want. "

— Ingrid, White Oleander. (via Pagan Poetry)

Drinking Alone

When life gives you lemons, make white grape+lime martini's