August 26, 2010


I know I've been neglecting my blog. I've been swamped at work and not wanting to do much else besides come home and do nothing, and I've also been busy worrying about everything and getting overwhelmed, like I do, and doing little about it.

Anyway, I feel like the older I get, the less I believe in true love. Now I've been in love before. But it's been awhile. I've never had anyone I thought was the "love of my life." I've certainly had amazing, wonderful,crazy, all-consuming, fine, good, friendship, etc relationships, that served their purposes at the time, but never anyone who I was like, Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with that person.

And more and more, I see relationships and marriages fail, fall apart, fizzle out, and I don't know that I believe in forever anymore. I don't think I believe it's possible that one person can make you happy and serve all of those needs for your whole life. I think you have to choose what you give up. I go back and forth from thinking it's best to not settle, that I should keep looking for "the one" because when you know, you know(so they say) and then thinking that's naive and foolish and that I'll end up thinking that I'm being unrealistic to assume I'll find the one person who will be everything to me, who will make all cylinders fire, forever, and that I should just be with the one I know who makes me laugh, who is my best friend, who gets me and my jokes, who I trust, who cares for me.

I think any relationship that's good can be good for awhile until you really get to know someone and spend a lot of time with them, and start to hate their idiosyncracies, tire of them, hate the way your self has become. Then you have to decide whether to keep going, to see if it gets better, if it turns into something else, or if you're just being unrealistic. The longer you spend, the messier and ickier when you decide to leave. And then all of it was for what? Now you've hurt someone you care about, burned that beautiful and unique connection, and you're back to square one.