April 5, 2011


I feel, about my work right now, like an animal that's been kept in a cage for a long time, and learns certain rules and ways of existing, and then suddenly, you let them out into the wild, with all this freedom, and it doesn't know what to do with itself, and therefore stays in the same kind of space as the cage and keeps the same behaviors as before. It's even more frustrating to know this is happening and recognize it, but still feel like there's not much to do.

So many of my work skills were not utilized at all in the last nearly 4 years that I'm rusty. I forget how to do things, to juggle multiple tasks and priorities, to do long term planning. And that's damn embarrassing. I knew it was true, which is part of why it was so so time to leave my old job. But now that I'm in a new place, it's all becoming so apparent. And I"m sure it's not so apparent to everyone else, but it feels really scary to me. I don't know how much of my anxiety I should share yet, because I"m still trying to make a good impression, and learn, and impress, and I know that they think I'm talented and want my skills or else they wouldn't have hired me, and I can tell by the way they talk to me. So I don't want to give them a reason to doubt me, but I also want to be realistic. I think I have to not verbal diahrrea my concerns this early, give it time to learn, but be realistic about the things and tasks I DO need help with, without seeming like an insecure know-nothing.

It's mentally taxing in a completely different way, to be the newbie, to not know the rules, the group dynamics, when to push, when to step back, when to just say yes and when to chime in.