September 9, 2010

Down time

I have existential crises in the car on the way to work in the morning. Do you do that? I think because it's often the only part of my day that's not scheduled, or interacting with someone, so that I have time to think the BIG THOUGHTS alone in my head and freak out about them.

Yesterday morning I was thinking about how desperately sad it makes me that we only get one life and it's really short and shit! have I done all the things I wanted to do? and what about love, and my purpose in life, and career, and what about these people in my life I care about that I don't see, and what about this?...etc.

I've been doing a fantastic job of ignoring important things this last year. It started with being overwhelmed by the legal issues related to my grandmother, then the deaths of my dad and her, the mortgage, the stuff, the life insurance, the debt, the taxes, etc, and has trickled down to me not being able to step up and get my oil changed, write the articles I'm contracted to write, fix my 401K, go to the gym, or call maintenance about that crack in the wall, and even to my relationships. I've been hiding. I've been throwing all my attention in very specific directions, and while that makes me happy in the short term, I'm not sure it's ultimately good. I've been neglecting friends. I've not wanted to put the effort into seeking people out, making plans. And I've been trying to fill the giant hole where my best friend was with other things. It works fine until something triggers it, like "Hey There Deliah" on the radio, or an opportunity for ninja, a glimpse of that UVA shirt, or having to catch myself making a joke no one else will get. And as much as I'm a fixer, I don't know how to fix this. But my heart hurts. It aches so much. Apparently only time is the answer, but that's not a fast enough answer. And since time just takes people and things away from you, that doesn't seem right.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I had something useful to say, but I really don't. Instead, I'll just comment so you know that I heard you and understand a little bit. Are you free after 7 on Thursdays?