skeptical

I know I've been neglecting my blog. I've been swamped at work and not wanting to do much else besides come home and do nothing, and I've also been busy worrying about everything and getting overwhelmed, like I do, and doing little about it.

Anyway, I feel like the older I get, the less I believe in true love. Now I've been in love before. But it's been awhile. I've never had anyone I thought was the "love of my life." I've certainly had amazing, wonderful,crazy, all-consuming, fine, good, friendship, etc relationships, that served their purposes at the time, but never anyone who I was like, Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with that person.

And more and more, I see relationships and marriages fail, fall apart, fizzle out, and I don't know that I believe in forever anymore. I don't think I believe it's possible that one person can make you happy and serve all of those needs for your whole life. I think you have to choose what you give up. I go back and forth from thinking it's best to not settle, that I should keep looking for "the one" because when you know, you know(so they say) and then thinking that's naive and foolish and that I'll end up alone....to thinking that I'm being unrealistic to assume I'll find the one person who will be everything to me, who will make all cylinders fire, forever, and that I should just be with the one I know who makes me laugh, who is my best friend, who gets me and my jokes, who I trust, who cares for me.

I think any relationship that's good can be good for awhile until you really get to know someone and spend a lot of time with them, and start to hate their idiosyncracies, tire of them, hate the way your self has become. Then you have to decide whether to keep going, to see if it gets better, if it turns into something else, or if you're just being unrealistic. The longer you spend, the messier and ickier when you decide to leave. And then all of it was for what? Now you've hurt someone you care about, burned that beautiful and unique connection, and you're back to square one.

Snow breakfast

(Photo by Joe)

This was my snow breakfast on Saturday. I was planning to attend a morning screening of a film at the Reel Pride Film Festival, the first GLBT festival in Richmond, but the snow coming down was so pretty, and it was so cozy in my apartment that I just didn't make it.

I made us spinach and feta omelets, with salsa as a garnish, and that plate in the back is chocolates from my get-together the night before. Add coffee in my grandma's nautical mug and juice in the glasses my best friend got me for Christmas, and DONE.

I did venture out later to attend my friend's pre-show party at The Camel, and was pleasantly surprised to see that since I'd been there last, the place was nicened up. The bar was long and smooth, there were tons of beers on tap, and good happy hour drink specials The bartender was very friendly and knowledgeable about the special microbrews, even offering samples to taste. Afterward, we carefully walked through the ice to the Firehouse Theater down the block to see the final film: Edie & Thea: A Very Long Engagement. It was a documentary about 2 women who fell in love back in the 50s and 60s when lesbians were still very hidden, and it was told from the perspective of the then 70-something women, through photos and stories. It was supremely touching, bring tears to nearly everyone in the room. You could tell, that even after 42 years, the women still loved each other very much. It's sad to think I've never had a love like that, and that maybe most of us will never find it.

At one point in the film, the women were naming all the Lesbian bars in NYC at the time, and they showed a map (probably about 12-15), and my friend Kevin leaned over and said, "and we have one." That point really hit home with me. I realize NYC is a much bigger place than Richmond, but even then, in the hush hush times, they had more places to gather than Richmond does in 2010! That's just sad.

Used to

Have some more Dear Old Loves.

Three Rings
You play video games and work a desk job. I’m joining the circus. Do you still wonder why we didn’t work out?

Lonely Tylenol
We were so good together. And not just because of our mutual affinity for palindromes.

Pick One
You will always be the man I love. But he’s the man who loves me.

Ugh, this one especially got at my heart:
Used To
I just referred to you as someone I used to know.

Dear Old Love

I haven't read Dear Old Love on my bloglines in awhile, and looking at them is so bittersweet.

From the site: "Dear Old Love" is short notes to people we've loved (or at least liked). Requited or unrequited.

Here are a few that especially made a mark. The titles are what make some of them so hillarious.

Smoke Signaling
I’m running out of social media to apologize with.

Human Nature?
I just don’t understand why after a year of loving me, you can’t at least be kind.

Party in the Back
I didn’t mind your mullet.

IM in Trouble
I really thought I was over you, until my computer broke and I realized I was going to lose all our old IM conversations. I cried in the middle of the Apple store.

In Spite of Me
I’d beg you to take me back, but I know you can do better than me.

Extra Quiet
We haven’t spoken in six months, so you probably won’t notice, but I’ve finally stopped speaking to you.

Guess
You know that thing you never, ever let me do? The new guy lets me do it.

Scrunchie Fetish?
If you never loved me, then why did you buy hair elastics to keep at your place because you knew I always lost mine when I came over?

Ryder Wrong
I had to find out from a Facebook wall post that you moved.

Duct Type
You came up with clever make-shift solutions for every home-repair, but when it was our relationship that needed mending you were suddenly out of ideas.

Post-It Office Love

(Via A Cup of Jo)

Attachment

"Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself… know what you want. "

— Ingrid, White Oleander. (via Pagan Poetry)