Perimeter

I feel, about my work right now, like an animal that's been kept in a cage for a long time, and learns certain rules and ways of existing, and then suddenly, you let them out into the wild, with all this freedom, and it doesn't know what to do with itself, and therefore stays in the same kind of space as the cage and keeps the same behaviors as before. It's even more frustrating to know this is happening and recognize it, but still feel like there's not much to do.

So many of my work skills were not utilized at all in the last nearly 4 years that I'm rusty. I forget how to do things, to juggle multiple tasks and priorities, to do long term planning. And that's damn embarrassing. I knew it was true, which is part of why it was so so time to leave my old job. But now that I'm in a new place, it's all becoming so apparent. And I"m sure it's not so apparent to everyone else, but it feels really scary to me. I don't know how much of my anxiety I should share yet, because I"m still trying to make a good impression, and learn, and impress, and I know that they think I'm talented and want my skills or else they wouldn't have hired me, and I can tell by the way they talk to me. So I don't want to give them a reason to doubt me, but I also want to be realistic. I think I have to not verbal diahrrea my concerns this early, give it time to learn, but be realistic about the things and tasks I DO need help with, without seeming like an insecure know-nothing.

It's mentally taxing in a completely different way, to be the newbie, to not know the rules, the group dynamics, when to push, when to step back, when to just say yes and when to chime in.

too much writing

Now that someone's actually paying me to write(part time), I find it a lot harder to come up with creative energy to blog. This is not a bad problem to have, but I feel bad about not having this outlet anymore. I'm excited about all the articles I have coming up that I have to do, and trying to teach myself NOT to get overwhelmed by it, and to just GET STARTED, bc that's the hardest part for me, and then I get all anxious for nothing.

My best friend is eloping tomorrow with a guy I've never met that she's known less than half a year. I'm very conflicted about this. I want her to be happy, I love her, and she's a big girl, but I can't help but be worried and feel like she's moving WAAY too fast. Also, I knew she was never going to be a poofy-dress-fancy-wedding person, but getting married in City Hall? I'm sad I don't even get to stand next to my best friend on her wedding day. I never thought she'd be the first of us to get married, mostly bc she'd never been in a serious relationship. I feel like I've lost my last "single in the city" friend, and now it's just me. She and I could always make chat about our hs friends who have married and have babies and live in the suburbs and how we just aren't interested in that life. I'm sad that now I can't just up and go stay with her whenever I want. We're only children, I"m not used to sharing her. I don't want to have to think about what he'll think , or that it's now THEIR space. What about holidays? She and her mom have always been my family, especially when I didn't have any. Now she'll have a new family. I don't even know how to relate to this concept as it comes to her. She's my longest friend. We've been friends for 20 years(!!). I don't have a current relationship anywhere NEAR that close with anyone else.

Worried

I am in a WEIRD mental headspace right now. I can't talk about it without crying, and damnit if I didn't get teary at work today. I'm not going to say more about it than this, but it's been a harrowing weekend. I drove over 500 miles in less than 36 hours. I slept for about 1 hour on Saturday night, in a chair. My brain and heart are all conflicted and I don't know what I want to do about it. Everything will be okay, but it's very very scary when you think you might lose someone you love. And I'm not sure what's worse really, the idea of losing them to death or the idea that they may never figure out how to be a part of my life again. More or less the same thing. I have things to look forward too, but I can't bring myself to be quite as excited about them as I was before Saturday. I am conflicted.

So I'm going to try very hard not to get overwhelmed and overanalyze everything and just take it one day at a time.

Hug your family, call your friends, invite someone over, tell someone you love them. Life is too short.